I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
