She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
