You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
