before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
