Your face is a jimmy john
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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