My Higher Power is John Stamos
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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