i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
