I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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