What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
