i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
