y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
