This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
