coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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