I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
