dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
