Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
