Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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