she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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