On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
