Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
