Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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