Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
