Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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