you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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