he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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