his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
