Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
