Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
