got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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