I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
