He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
