I cannot find my penis.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize