i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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