i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
