I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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