Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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