He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize