i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Everclear isn't food dammit
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
