Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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