The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
