You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
