I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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