saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
