I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I checked into jail on foursquare
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
