so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
