Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
