right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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