Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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