I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
