my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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