Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
