Pappa wants mamma naked
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I checked into jail on foursquare
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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