i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
