I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When are your genitals available?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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