That's intense
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize