tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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