after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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