: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
