wakey wakey hands off snakey
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
