My liver just broke up with me...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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