and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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