There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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