Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
