i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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